Sex And Relationships: Idealizing Your Spouse Can Make An Ideal Marriage

UPDATED 11/10/11 – COMMENTS RECEIVED – By Daisy Kirby. Do you remember when you & your spouse were first dating, how perfect they seemed for you? You laughed at all their jokes (because they were funny), the conversation was stimulating (because you actually talked about things besides “are there any clean shirts?”), they had a body that turned you on just by thinking about it… and you never had any serious fights? Where did that person go?

Well, believe it or not, they are the person you married, and are still in that marriage with you! You just can’t find them because reality eventually beat your brain into seeing every single thing about them- including that irritating habit of theirs that just seemed ‘endearing’ back then- or somehow just ‘didn’t exist’ when they were perfect.

I am married, and happily so, for 5 short years. I still find my husband insanely sexy, funny, and perfect in every way… although sometimes this other guy who has a slightly larger gut, a bigger anger issue, and a noticeably large lack of interest in conversations not related to the immediate future of ‘what’s for dinner’ seems to mysteriously show up in my house out of nowhere! Where does he come from, and why?

I started thinking about this, and how that imperfect dude magically disappears when I check out his cute butt, muscular legs, and sparkling, sexy eyes, not to mention his cute button nose, soft, kissable lips, and how he always says “something smells so delicious!” when I am cooking something. Tee hee, then I start to blush. Something changes in my mind, and that bordering-on-beer-belly midsection turns into a loveable, huggable, can’t-believe-this-hottie-is mine!- Don Juan DeMarco!

Do you see where I’m going?

I’m sure you’ve all heard the saying “love is blind”, and it is so true! In the beginning of a new relationship, all you see is the good stuff this person has to offer, and you don’t seem to see those annoying little habits, like the fact that you never go anywhere- because you’re just so smitten!

After years of being together, you can’t help but notice that you haven’t seen the inside of a movie theatre with just your spouse in years, because years have gone by! You can’t help but notice the beard clippings ALL OVER the bathroom vanity (and floor), or all the makeup ALL OVER the place!
The mind is always wandering; always taking in new information. That part can’t be helped.

So you try to explain over and over to your spouse how friggin annoying it is to always be blowing off that stubble from your makeup, or on the flip side, always digging through the piles of girly products to find your trimmer. It doesn’t change a thing.
So, the only thing I’ve found that works, and seems to be supported by tidbits and words of advice from couples who’ve been together for 40+ years, is this:

Ignore the unimportant annoyances– turn a blind eye, so to speak- and focus on the positive.

When you ‘train your brain’ to only see the positive in your life partner, you’ll notice that your old boyfriend or girlfriend has returned! This doesn’t mean that if your spouse is abusive or has a serious drinking problem that you should see it as “oh, he’s just showing me how much he loves me and worries about me”, or “well she really does have soo much stress in her life; it’s only reasonable that she drinks so much”. NO! When an issue has gotten to the point where it’s become harmful to them or anyone else, it’s time to call in some help. Those are another 5 articles-minimum- on their own, and we’re not talking about things like that now.

You’ve probably also heard that a marriage takes work. Well, let me tell you, as a person in one of the happiest marriages I’ve seen, this is an absolute truth! Yes yes- I know I said we’ve only been married 5 years- but how many marriages these days last that long? How many last that long and both people can say they still enjoy being around their partner at least 60% of the time? This “idealizing your partner” is meant to help make all that work & effort start coming easier, because you’ll be back to feeling the giddy, I would do anything for this guy sensations that you had in the beginning, when loving him seemed the furthest thing from work you could think of!

I’m going to give you several examples of what I am talking about; hopefully you’ll understand what I’m trying to say, and then feel free to find more that relate to you and your partner!
Let’s start with one I hear from almost everyone, and am guilty of myself: “my partner’s put on weight since we were dating”

Well first of all- no s*#t, Sherlock- everyone’s metabolism slows down as they get older. You’re probably not the same weight you were back then, either. Quit jer whining and realize that they still like you even with your new weight, so do the same for them.
Also, as the crude saying that’s been around for a long time says, it’s just more cushion for the pushin’ (that’s the silver lining of weight gain, boys and girls).

Second, this is where you divert your eyes & brain to something not related to the belly fat, i.e.: ‘but she’s still got the finest legs this side of the Mississippi’ or ‘ at least he’s not losing that luxurious head of hair that I love to run my fingers through (this won’t work if he’s also going bald- then you’ll have to think of his charming smile or sparkling eyes)’

Another popular complaint is: “my sweetie never wants to go anywhere”. Maybe that means they feel so safe and comfortable in this environment that the 2 of you have at home, that they see no need to go outside of the home to find fun & happiness.

Or: “my cutie-pie spends too much time at work” – Better than a couch potato with no drive.

Another: “he/she never takes anything seriously” 2 ways to look at this positively. 1: they’ve got a great outlook on life, and knows there’s no reason to get down about things you can’t change, and 2: it’s probably their sense of humor that was a big attractant for you in the first place, so be happy they’ve still got it.

And: “my punkin drives like a madman/woman” Ok, so this one borders on harmful behaviour, but for the sake of this article, let’s say it’s not quite there yet. So you could look at it as: at least they have a license and you don’t have to drive them everywhere! And: they’ve just got a healthy appetite for adventure, lol.

What’s the body part that’s your ‘thing’? Are butts the thing that you always check on the opposite sex? (or the same sex, if that’s the way you swing (-; ); breasts, jaw lines, legs, or like me, hands? Ok; does your hunny have a good version of this trait? If yes- perfect- you don’t need to check out anyone else’s. If no- find something physical about your spouse that’s sexier than anybody else’s, and make that your thing. I’m not joking.

All right; now say you’re walking along without your baby, and you see this fine-looking specimen of your partners gender. They’re hot to the point of “if they came over and asked me, I’d totally do them”. Whoa there, buddy. This is not a good train of thought.
This is when you ask yourself ” Sure that person’s smokin’, but do they have as perfect & sexy a [insert your fave body part ‘thing’ here] as my baby, who by the way also would bake me a killer cake after a session in the sack? No? Then move along.
No matter what someone who is not your partner may have to offer, they won’t have the full package that your chosen one does, and that includes putting up with your annoying habits. So no matter whom you’ve got as your ‘significant other’, they are the right one for you. They better be, because divorces are insanely expensive and extremely damaging! So choose to see the positive instead of the negative. It will pay off.
Are you picking up what I’m laying down?

Yes, in essence, this all boils down to brainwashing. But remember: you are now stuck with your spouse for life, so what’s a little brainwashing if it helps keep you happy?

Daisy Kirby

Join the discussion 2 Comments

  • Mike Archer says:

    • Will Perry Says:
    October 5th, 2011 at 7:59 am e
    I learnt one or two things as a Catholic priest [besides don’t tick off a Nun, because they know where you live], and one or two things about conflict resolution as a police officer: “Remember you love each other”, and “Either stop the disturbance or I will arrest you.”
    What makes a healthy love relationship?
    • Staying involved with each other. Some relationships get stuck in peaceful coexistence, but without truly relating to each other and working together. While it may seem stable on the surface, lack of involvement and communication increases distance. When you need to talk about something important, the connection and understanding may no longer be there.
    • Getting through conflict. Some couples talk things out quietly, while others may raise their voices and passionately disagree. The key in a strong relationship, through, is not to be fearful of conflict. You need to feel safe to express things that bother you without fear of retaliation, and be able to resolve conflict without humiliation, degradation or insisting on being right. And certainly don’t want someone to call the cops.
    • Keeping outside relationships and interests alive. No one person can meet all of our needs, and expecting too much from someone can put a lot of unhealthy pressure on a relationship. No, I’m not suggesting doing a Tiger Woods. Having friends and outside interests not only strengthens your social network, but brings new insights and stimulation to the relationship, too.
    • Communicating. Honest, direct communication is a key part of any relationship. When both people feel comfortable expressing their needs, fears and desires, trust and bonds are strengthened. Critical to communication are nonverbal cues—body language like eye contact, leaning forward or away, or touching someone’s arm.
    In any relationship, there are three phrases men should know…”My mistake”, “You’re right”, and “I’m sorry.” Adhering to these guys will ensure you live for another day, grow old, have many children, and ensure one day, like myself, you will enjoy seven grandchildren that think you are wise and funny. Have I got them fooled. I digress…
    If none of that works, remember you are not ‘stuck’ with anyone. It all comes down to choices. Choices to argue or not. Choices to communicate or not. Choices.
    When all else fails, I believe Sofía Vergara’s character ‘Gloria [Delgado-Pritchett]‘ said it all in a simple line to her husband Jay. The line was packed with reality, direct and to the point: “All I want is when I go to bed at night is to be lying next to a man that is generous and giving, and that man doesn’t necessarily needs to be you.”

  • Mike Archer says:

    • Daisy Says:
    October 11th, 2011 at 12:24 am e
    @Will: Well spoken. I get the feeling you thought I meant ‘idealizing’ was the only way to keep a marriage together. I suppose I should have clarified that this is only one facet, one helpful hint, of a happier relationship. You are very much correct in pointing out that so many other things need to be there. Again, this is just a teensy-tiny sub-chapter of the part where we try to overlook the uniportant flaws of our partner, with the hope that through example, our partner will return the favour. My goal was just to help avoid some of the unnecessary fights. “Pick your battles”
    Thank you for your input, Will.

Leave a Reply