Smackdown – Guerilla Gardeners vs. Master Gardeners

By June 20, 2014The Guerilla Gardener

By Brenda Dyck.

Every Guerrilla Gardener has a know-it-all Master Gardener ‘friend’ or neighbor who is always critiquing what you did (or did not do) in your garden. They will give you advice on what gardening chores you need to be doing and will give you the schedule of when you should be doing them, because obviously you don’t have a clue what you are doing. Their opinions (verified by most gardening magazines) will be directed at every aspect of your garden, from what you should plant to what kind of garden decorations you should have.
And let’s face it, nothing is more annoying than people who are always sticking their noses into your backyard cranny and giving you ‘Rules” to garden by. After all ‘Rules” take all the fun out of gardening.
As a fellow Guerilla Gardener, my advice to you is get rid of them!
When they offer their critiques, just give them a Guerilla Gardener Reply.

Here are a few examples to get you started:

Master Gardener: You are going to have to do something about all the moss over taking your lawn.

Guerilla Gardener: Actually, my plan is to let the moss totally overtake the lawn. It doesn’t have to be mowed or fertilized; it stays green all winter and leaves me with more time to spend on the important things in life.
Note: If the Master Gardener happens to be your neighbor, be sure to toast them with drinks every time you see them mowing their lawn.

Master Gardener: You seem to have a lot of algae growing in your water pond.

Guerilla Gardener: Yes, thank you for noticing! I happen to take ‘going green” very seriously.

Master Gardener: Your gutters are filling up with leaves, and did you know that there are plants actually growing in your gutters?

Guerilla Gardener: Of course plants are growing up there; they’re part of my new aerial growing system.

Master Gardener:
You need to get rid of the dandelions in your yard. Flowering weeds need to be eliminated before the seeds scatter to stop them from spreading.
Guerilla Gardener: I’ve actually been contracted out by a Holistic Wine company that makes organic Dandelion wine to cultivate them. Dandelions are bright, they’re hardy, they’re cheerful and the company is paying me $85 a pound on top of a monthly rental on my plot.
Note:If the Master Gardener is particularly annoying and also happens to be your neighbor you can always spread the cheer by taking the leaf blower and blowing the fluffy seed pods into their yard.

Master Gardener: The leaves are about to fall and smother the heck out of your lawn unless you do something about it.

Guerilla Gardener: Good that means the moss will grow in faster! That way I’ll meet my objective to cut back on mowing to conserve energy. Note: And by that you will mean personal energy, but you don’t need to elaborate on this fact.

I am not in anyway recommending you do any of these things but the expressions on the Master Gardener’s face just by mentioning it will be well worth the effort.
So grab your beverage of choice and start rehearsing.

Brenda Dyck is a Fraser Valley writer AKA a Guerrilla Gardener
Guerilla Garden Adventures
Using unconventional gardening ideas,
to get maximum results from minimal resources.
Look for more columns from Brenda in the coming weeks.

Articles on the Guerilla Garden Adventures should never be construed as professional advice. Any resemblance to Master Gardeners, living or dead is purely coincidental.
I do not in any way condone or recommend following any of the advice or ideas contained on or linked in any article. These articles are based on my own Guerilla Garden Adventures (or that of some anonymous close friends), and have been considered by some people to be dangerous, immoral and/or down right illegal.
The only purpose of these articles is to share my Guerilla Garden Adventures, stories, disasters and triumphs with a warped sense of garden humor. Neither myself nor anyone I know will assume liability for any issues or legal proceedings arising (either real or imagined) from anyone who decides to embark upon their own Guerilla Gardener Adventure!

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